When Your Trauma Becomes Your Purpose

Over years of practice, I've noticed a natural progression that people move through when they're not just healing from their past, but growing into their future. I've come to think of this as four distinct stages, each building on the last. Let me walk you through what I've observed.

Stage 1: AWARENESS - Seeing What's Actually Happening

The first stage is deceptively simple: noticing.

Recognising your pain, your triggers, and acknowledging past traumas. Not analysing. Not fixing. Just seeing what's actually happening inside you.

What This Looks Like

You're in a conversation, and suddenly you feel your chest tighten. Your thoughts start racing. Maybe you shut down, or maybe you get defensive. In the past, you might have just reacted—snapped at someone, left the room, or pushed the feeling down. But awareness means you pause and notice: "Something just got activated in me."

The Parts Concept

One of the most useful frameworks I've found is thinking about ourselves as having different "parts." There's the part that gets anxious. The part that tries to control everything. The part that people-pleases. The part that shuts down.

When you can say "A part of me feels anxious" instead of "I am anxious," something shifts. There's a bit of space between you and the feeling. You're not consumed by it—you're observing it.

Why This Matters

You can't change what you can't see. Most of us live on autopilot, repeating the same patterns without realising it. Awareness is like turning on a light in a room you've been stumbling through in the dark. You start to see: "Oh, every time X happens, I do Y. That's a pattern." Once you see it, you have the possibility of doing something different.

Stage 2: REGULATION - Learning to Be With What's Happening

Awareness shows you what's happening. Regulation teaches you how to be with it without being overwhelmed.

What This Looks Like

Let's say you've identified "The Controller"—a part of you that tries to manage and control situations out of fear. In this stage, instead of fighting that part or trying to make it go away, you turn toward it with curiosity: "What are you afraid of?", "What are you trying to protect me from?"

Often, these protective parts are actually guarding something deeper—usually a younger, wounded part carrying an old belief or pain.

The Deeper Work

When you're ready, you might discover that The Controller is protecting a seven-year-old part of you that learned "I'm not safe unless I'm in control" or "People will leave me if I don't keep them close." This is tender work, where you essentially offer that younger part what they needed then but didn't get—reassurance, safety, love.

Building Capacity

Alongside this internal work, you're also learning practical tools to regulate your nervous system:

• Deep breathing when you're activated

• Grounding techniques when you're spiralling

• Ways to soothe yourself when emotions feel overwhelming

• And, perhaps most importantly, to take responsibility for your own emotions without judging yourself or others for the emotion showing up

You're building the capacity to feel difficult things without being consumed by them.

Stage 3: CHOICE - Exercising Your Agency

Here's where it gets interesting... Once you can see your patterns (Awareness) and be with your emotions without being overwhelmed (Regulation), you discover something profound: you have a choice.

The Choice Point

Every moment of activation is actually a choice point.

Let's say your partner makes plans without you, and fear floods your system. The Controller part shows up, wanting you to text frantically or pick a fight. In the past, you would have just done it. But now:

• You notice the fear.

• You recognise The Controller.

• You take a breath.

• You connect with that young part that's scared.

• And then you choose:

  • Old pattern: React from fear—text frantically, start a fight, try to control.

  • New choice: Acknowledge the fear internally, say "Have fun tonight" to your partner, soothe that part that got activated, and do something nourishing/fun for yourself. (I agree this sounds much easier than what it actually is)

Values as Your Compass

This is where clarifying your values becomes crucial. What actually matters to you? Authenticity? Connection? Freedom? Courage?

When you know your values, they become a compass. At every choice point, you can ask: "Which choice moves me toward my values, and which one moves me away?"

From Wounds to Wisdom

Something else happens in this stage: you start to see how your struggles have shaped you in ways that could actually serve you:

• That hyper-vigilance from trauma? It's also a finely tuned awareness of others' emotions.

• That perfectionism? It's also a commitment to excellence.

• That people-pleasing? It's also a deep capacity for empathy.

You're not erasing these qualities—you're learning to channel them differently.

Stage 4: EXPANSION - Moving Into Purpose

This is the stage where people often say: "I feel better, but... now what?" You've done the work. You understand yourself. You can regulate your emotions. You're making conscious choices. But there's still a question that calls: "What is all this for?"

The Search for Meaning

This stage is about purpose. Not in some grand, save-the-world sense necessarily—but in the sense of: "What do I want my life to be about?"

Viktor Frankl, who survived the Holocaust, wrote about three ways we create meaning:

1. Through what we create or contribute - Our work, our art, what we build or manifest

2. Through how we love and connect - Our relationships, our presence with others

3. Through how we face unavoidable suffering - The attitude we take toward what we cannot change

From Personal to Collective

Something interesting tends to happen here: purpose often involves moving beyond purely personal concerns.

• The person who struggled with codependency might discover their purpose is helping others build authentic relationships.

• The person who experienced burnout might find meaning in teaching sustainable success.

• The person who survived trauma might become a companion for others walking that same path.

Your struggles, integrated and transformed, often become the foundation for your most meaningful contribution.

Making It Real

Purpose isn't just a nice idea—it needs to be embodied in your actual life. This means looking at:

• Your inner work (What mindset supports this purpose?)

• Your actions (What do you actually do?)

• Your relationships (Who supports this journey?)

• Your systems (What structures or projects make this real?)

How These Stages Actually Work

Here's what's important to understand: this isn't a linear journey where you complete one stage and never return. It's more like a spiral.

You Can Be in Multiple Stages at Once

You might be in Stage 4 with your career (living your purpose) while simultaneously in Stage 1 with a new health issue (just becoming aware). Different issues, different stages. That's completely normal.

You Return to Earlier Stages

Life keeps happening. New challenges emerge. When they do, you might return to Stage 1 or 2—but with much more wisdom than before.

Someone might work through relationship anxiety, reach Stage 4, and then become a parent. Suddenly, they're back in Stage 1 with parenting anxiety, noticing new parts and patterns. This isn't regression. It's the spiral of growth—each time you return, you go deeper.

Deeper Layers Reveal Themselves

Sometimes you'll do work at one layer and discover there's more underneath.

You might heal the "I'm not good enough" belief from age 10, only to discover later there's an earlier wound at age 4: "I'm not wanted." The model accommodates this. You simply spiral back to Stage 2 with this deeper layer.

What Makes This Framework Useful

It Normalises the Process

Growth isn't about having a breakthrough and being done. It's a process with recognisable stages. Knowing where you are helps.

It Provides Direction

When you're stuck, you can ask: "Which stage am I in? What's the work of this stage?"

• Feeling overwhelmed by emotions? You're probably in Stage 2, needing regulation.

• Aware and regulated but still repeating patterns? You're in Stage 3, needing to clarify values and practice choice.

• Functioning well but feeling empty? You're ready for Stage 4, exploring purpose.

It Honours Non-Linearity

You're not "failing" if you return to an earlier stage. You're responding appropriately to what life brings.

It Connects Pain to Purpose

Perhaps most importantly, it offers a way to see that your struggles weren't meaningless. They were preparing you for something.

Final Thoughts

I don't think of this model as prescriptive—like "you must do these stages in this order or you're doing it wrong." It's more descriptive: when people genuinely transform, I notice they tend to move through something like these stages.

Some move quickly. Some take years. Some cycle through multiple times with different issues. There's no "right" timeline. But understanding the terrain can help. When you know: "Oh, I'm in the regulation stage—that's why I'm focusing on calming my nervous system," it makes sense. When you realise: "I'm ready for the choice stage—it's time to start acting on my values," you have direction.

And perhaps most importantly, when you understand that your struggles can become the foundation for a meaningful life, it changes how you relate to your pain.

• Not "Why did this happen to me?" but "What is this preparing me for?"

• Not "How do I erase this?" but "How do I grow through this?"

That shift—from healing to growth—makes all the difference.

Want to know more?

Here is a download of the ARC-E Growth Model in more detail:

The ARC-E Growth Model .pdf

Download PDF • 1.19MB

This model draws on Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic Therapy, People-focused Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Existential Psychology, and Integral Theory. It's an integration of these approaches into a developmental framework that honours both the depth of healing work and the importance of forward-looking purpose.