The Invisible Prison

We all dream about it. Freedom.

Perhaps for you, it's finally leaving that suffocating job or maybe retirement itself. Maybe it's ending a relationship that's holding you back. Or perhaps it's the fantasy of selling everything and moving to a small coastal town where nobody knows you. We tell ourselves: If only I could change my circumstances, then I'd be free.

But here's the paradox that stops most of us in our tracks: We get the new job, and six months later, we feel just as trapped. We retire and are lost in 'doing nothing.' We leave the relationship, only to find ourselves in another one with similar dynamics. We move to that coastal town and discover we've brought our restlessness with us.

What if I told you that the freedom you're seeking has nothing to do with your external circumstances? What if the cage you feel trapped in isn't made of jobs, relationships, or geography—but of something far more invisible and far more powerful?

The Invisible Prison

Dr. Gabor Maté, the renowned physician and trauma expert, offers this insight:

"Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose—and commit myself to—what is best for me."

Read that again slowly.

True freedom isn't about having no constraints. It's about having the internal capacity to make authentic choices that align with who you truly are. And for most of us, that capacity has been compromised long before we even understood what was happening.

From our earliest days, we learned to adapt. As children, we were attuned to our caregivers' needs and moods. If expressing anger resulted in withdrawal of love, we learned to suppress it. If being "good" and compliant kept us safe, we became experts at people-pleasing. If our emotions were too much for our parents to handle, we learned to disconnect from our own feelings entirely.

Attachment theory tells us that these early relational patterns become the blueprint for how we navigate the world. They're not just memories—they become the lens through which we see reality, the framework that dictates what we believe is possible, safe, and acceptable.

In brief: We carry these patterns into adulthood, completely unaware that we're living inside an invisible cage built from old survival strategies that no longer serve us.

• The woman who stays silent when her needs aren't being met? She's not choosing that freely—she's trapped in an old pattern that once kept her emotionally safe.

• The man who sabotages every opportunity for intimacy? He's not truly free—he's imprisoned by an ancient fear that vulnerability equals danger.

• The chronic overachiever burning out at work? They're not freely choosing excellence—they're compulsively running from an internalised belief that their worth depends on their productivity.

These aren't free choices. They're automatic reactions, choreographed long ago.

The Existential Wake-Up Call: You Are Radically Free

Here's where existential psychotherapy delivers its uncomfortable truth: You are, in this very moment, radically free. Not free from consequences. Not free from pain or difficulty. But free in the most fundamental sense—free to choose your response to whatever life presents. Free to create meaning. Free to become.

The existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre famously wrote, "Man is condemned to be free." Why condemned? Because with freedom comes an inescapable responsibility. We can no longer blame our circumstances, our past, or other people for the life we're living. We must face the anxiety-inducing reality that we are choosing this.

That unfulfilling job you hate? You're choosing to stay. You might have very understandable reasons—financial security, fear of the unknown, concern for others—but you are still choosing it. The relationship that drains you? You're choosing to remain. The pattern of people-pleasing that exhausts you? You're choosing it, moment by moment.

This realisation can feel crushing at first. But hidden within it is the seed of genuine liberation. Because if you're choosing your cage, you can also choose to open the door.

Gabor Maté's Gift: Understanding Without Blame

Gabor Maté's work beautifully bridges trauma, attachment, and freedom. He reminds us that our patterns aren't moral failings—they're adaptations. "The question is not why the addiction," he says, "but why the pain?"

Applied more broadly: The question isn't "Why am I so stuck?" but "What am I protecting myself from?"

• Your people-pleasing isn't weakness—it's a brilliant strategy that once kept you connected to caregivers you desperately needed.

• Your emotional withdrawal isn't coldness—it's a protective mechanism that helped you survive overwhelming feelings when you were too small to process them.

• Your perfectionism isn't just anxiety—it's an adaptation to an environment where mistakes felt dangerous.

Maté teaches us that freedom begins with compassion. When we understand why we developed these patterns, we can hold ourselves with tenderness rather than judgment. And from that place of self-compassion, genuine change becomes possible.

We're not trying to force ourselves into freedom through willpower and self-criticism. We're gently creating the internal safety needed to let the old protective patterns relax.

The Practice of Internal Freedom: Small Choices, Profound Shifts

So how do we actually cultivate this internal freedom?

1. Develop Awareness

You cannot choose differently if you don't notice you're choosing at all. Start paying attention to your automatic patterns. When do you say "yes" when you mean "no"? When do you withdraw instead of speaking up? What situations trigger your oldest, most protective responses?

The practice: You can begin by simply getting curious about your own behaviour.

2. Create a Pause

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies your freedom. Viktor Frankl, who survived Nazi concentration camps, understood this profoundly.

The practice: When you notice an old pattern activating—the urge to people-please, the impulse to withdraw, the compulsion to achieve—pause. Even for three seconds. In that pause, you reclaim your agency. You create the possibility of a different choice.

3. Reconnect With Your Body

Our patterns often live below the level of conscious thought, encoded in our bodies. Trauma therapist Peter Levine's work shows us that the body holds the score.

The practice: Notice what your body is telling you. That tight chest when you're about to say "yes" again? That's information. The knot in your stomach before seeing certain people? Your body knows something your mind might be rationalising away.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Beating yourself up for your patterns only strengthens them. They originally developed to protect you from pain—adding more pain through self-judgment just reinforces the need for protection.

The practice: When you notice a pattern, meet it with curiosity rather than criticism. "Isn't that interesting? I'm doing that thing again." This gentle approach creates the safety needed for real transformation.

5. Make Micro-Choices

Micro-choices are how you gradually expand your window of freedom. Each one sends a message to your nervous system: "It's safe to be me. I can survive being authentic." You don't need to quit your job or end your relationship tomorrow. Freedom is built in small moments.

The practice: Choose to speak one authentic truth today. Set one small boundary. Say one "no" that honours your needs. Express one feeling you usually suppress.

The Paradox of Freedom

Here's the beautiful paradox: True freedom often looks nothing like we imagined.

It's not necessarily leaving everything behind. Sometimes it's freely choosing to stay—but from a place of authentic choice rather than fear. It's not the absence of constraints. It's the ability to choose which constraints are meaningful to you. It's not escaping relationships. It's showing up in them more fully as yourself. It's not eliminating anxiety. It's being willing to feel it while still choosing what matters to you.

The person who discovers internal freedom might stay in the same job—but now they're no longer trapped there. They're choosing it consciously, for reasons that align with their values, and they know they could leave if needed. That changes everything.

The person who finds freedom might stay in their relationship—but now they're authentically present rather than performing a role. They're vulnerable rather than defended. They're choosing their partner each day rather than remaining out of fear or obligation.

Your Invitation to Freedom

You've been searching for freedom in all the external places. And perhaps you needed to—sometimes we have to exhaust all the outer possibilities before we're ready to turn inward. But the freedom you're seeking isn't waiting for you in a new city, a different job, or another relationship. It's not contingent on your circumstances finally aligning perfectly.

It's here, now, in this moment. It exists in your capacity to see your patterns clearly, to hold yourself with compassion, to create a tiny pause between trigger and reaction, and to make one small choice that's truly yours.

This is the freedom that no one can give you and no one can take away. This is the freedom that doesn't depend on life cooperating with your plans. This is the freedom that grows stronger with each authentic choice you make.

The cage door has been open all along. You've always had the key.

The question isn't whether you can be free. The question is: Are you ready to walk through that open door into the uncertainty of your own authentic life?

That first step might be the scariest thing you ever do. But it's also how you discover that you've had wings all along—you'd just forgotten how to use them.

True freedom isn't found by changing your circumstances. It's discovered by changing your relationship with yourself. And that's the journey that therapy—and life—invites you to take.