Learn to Dance a Different Dance

You know that fight you had last night? The one about the dishes, or being late, or not listening, or spending too much money? Here's the thing:

It wasn't actually about any of those things.

That fight—the one you've had seventeen variations of in the past month—is about something deeper. And until you understand what's really happening underneath the surface-level conflict, the pattern will likely continue.

The Dance You're Stuck In

Every couple has a "dance"—a pattern of interaction that plays out on repeat. One partner pursues, the other withdraws. One criticises, the other defends. One controls, the other rebels.

These patterns aren't random. They come from your childhood wounds, your family roles, and the strategies you learned long ago to feel safe and loved.

The problem? The strategies that helped you survive as a kid are now slowly killing your relationship as an adult. And the really tricky part? Both of you are doing it. It's not just your partner. It's both of you, locked in a dance that neither of you consciously chose but can't seem to stop.

Luckily There's a Way Out

Real relationship change happens when you stop focusing on your partner and start taking 100% responsibility for your half of the dance. Not 50%. Not "I'll change if they change first." 100%.

I have combined the best couples therapy modalities (RLT, IFS, EFT) to create a model that I called the ARC-WE Growth Model. It helps you and your partner to learn to dance a new dance. It gives a roadmap to transform your relationship from the inside out. Not by fixing your partner, but by each doing your own work, together, so completely that the entire system shifts.

Stage 1: AWARENESS - Seeing What You've Been Doing

The first stage is about getting brutally honest about your patterns.

This is where you learn:

• Your "losing strategies" - the five ways people destroy connection when they're triggered (Being Right, Controlling, Venting Without Filter, Retaliating, or Withdrawing)

• Your role in the dance - how your behaviour triggers your partner, and theirs triggers you

• Where it all comes from - the family patterns and childhood wounds that are running your relationship on autopilot

The breakthrough moment? When you can describe your relationship pattern without blaming your partner.

Instead of: "They always shut down and ignore me!"

You say: "When I feel scared that I don't matter, I get loud and pursue. That makes them feel overwhelmed, so they withdraw to protect themselves. Then I feel even more abandoned, so I pursue harder. And round and round we go."

That's awareness. Because you can change what you can see.

Stage 2: REGULATION - Learning to Stop the Madness

Here's where the real work happens, learning to take responsibility for your patterns.

Now that we are more aware of our patterns (Stage 1) we can begin to take responsibility for these patterns, which were often established a long time ago to protect our vulnerable parts. What we don't realise is that our reactions when we are triggered are actually losing strategies—they don't work! Even worse, these losing strategies you use when you are triggered... are the triggers of your partner. And the other way around!

Think of it this way:

• When triggered, your reaction comes from your 'Adaptive Child' which is the part of you that learned how to survive your childhood. Maybe you learned to be the good kid who never caused trouble. Maybe you learned to be loud to get attention. Maybe you learned to disappear when things got scary. Those strategies worked when you were eight. They don't work in your adult relationship.

• In order to 'change the dance' you need access to your 'Wise Adult' which is the grounded, present, mature part of you that can actually have a healthy relationship. This is the you that can:

  • Feel hurt without attacking

  • Be angry without being mean

  • Want connection without being clingy

  • Ask for space without disappearing

  • Speak truth without being brutal

In Stage 2, you learn how to access that Wise Adult when you're triggered—which is exactly when you need it most.

You'll learn practical tools like:

• The Feedback Wheel (how to tell your partner something hard without destroying them)

• How to repair after you mess up (because you will mess up—we all do)

• How to take a time-out when you're too activated to think straight

• How to speak FOR your wounded parts instead of FROM them

This stage takes the longest because you're literally rewiring decades of automatic reactions. But this is where transformation happens.

Stage 3: CHOICE - Consistently Being Your Best Self

By Stage 3, you're learning to chose new patterns, aligned with your personal and relational values.

You ask yourself: "What kind of partner do I want to be?" And then you make choices based on that, not based on your mood or your trigger or how annoying your partner is being in this moment.

The key question in Stage 3: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be close?" Because you can't have both. You can win the argument and lose the connection. Or you can let go of being right and choose intimacy.

In Stage 3, you learn to:

• 'Rock the Boat' by starting to ask clearly for what you need (without attacking or manipulating)

• Say no with love (not with punishment)

• Take responsibility for your triggers (instead of blaming your partner for "making you feel" things)

• Reward your partner when they try something new (this one is HUGE and most people miss it)

The shift? From "I can't help how I react" to "I see the choice point and I choose connection."

Stage 4: WE-SPACE - Creating Something Bigger Than Both of You

Here's where it gets beautiful as you begin to recognise your relationship as a separate entity.

Stage 4 is when you stop thinking of your relationship as "me and you" and start thinking of it as "we"—a third entity that both of you serve and that serves both of you. It sounds abstract, but it's incredibly practical.

You start asking: "What does our relationship need?"

Not "What do I need?" Not even "What do we each need?"

But "What does the relationship itself need to thrive?"

In Stage 4, you create:

• Rituals that nourish your connection (weekly date nights, morning coffee together, Sunday planning sessions)

• Boundaries that protect your relationship from outside intrusion (no phones at dinner, no venting about each other to friends without trying to resolve it first)

• A vision for what you're building together

You start having conflicts from a place of "us versus the problem" instead of "me versus you." When money issues come up, instead of fighting about who's right, you ask: "What does our financial partnership need right now?" When parenting disagreements arise, instead of undermining each other, you ask: "What does our team need to stay united?"

The relationship becomes sacred. Not perfect. Not easy. But sacred—worth protecting, worth nurturing, worth fighting for instead of against each other.

Stage 5: EXPANSION - Your Relationship Becomes a Gift to Others

The final stage is about purpose and about growing together.

Once you've healed your patterns, regulated yourselves, created a strong "we," you start asking: "What is our relationship FOR—beyond just the two of us?"

This isn't about becoming perfect role models or relationship gurus. It's about recognising that your struggles prepared you for something. Maybe it's:

• Raising kids who actually know what healthy love looks like

• Mentoring other couples who are where you once were

• Creating a home that's a sanctuary for your community

• Using your partnership to contribute to causes you both care about

• Simply being the couple that gives others hope that healing is possible

Your mess becomes your message:

• The pain you went through? That's now wisdom you have to offer.

• The patterns you broke? That's proof that change is possible.

• The love you fought for? That's a light for others still in the dark.

In Stage 5, your relationship expands beyond yourselves. You become elders, in a sense—not because you're old, but because you've done the work and you have something to pass on.

The Spiral Path

One more thing you should know: This journey isn't linear. You won't go through these five stages once and be done. When new life challenges hit—a baby, a job loss, an illness, aging parents—you might find yourself back in Stage 1, trying to understand a new version of your dance.

But here's the gift: The second time through is so much faster. The awareness that took you months the first time might take you days the second time. The tools you learned in Stage 2 become muscle memory. You can spot your patterns in real-time and course-correct.

Think of it as a spiral staircase. You might pass the same spot again, but you're not at the same level. You're higher up, with more perspective, more capacity, more tools. You're building relationship skills that serve you for life.

The Real Question

So here's what it comes down to: Many couples continue having the same conflicts for years because they don't understand the underlying patterns.

• Understanding these patterns—seeing the dance clearly—is the first step toward change.

• Taking responsibility for your own part, regardless of what your partner does, is the second step.

• Learning new ways of responding when you're triggered is the third.

• Creating a relationship that serves both people, not just individual needs, is the fourth.

• Finding meaning and purpose together is the fifth.

These stages aren't prescriptive—every couple's journey is unique. But they offer a map for understanding where you are and where you might grow. The question is whether you're curious enough to look at your patterns differently. And whether you're willing to consider that change might start with you, not your partner.

What Now?

If this resonates with you, here are some things to consider:

1. Start noticing your patterns. The first step is awareness. When you find yourself in conflict, pause afterward and ask: "What just happened? What was I really reacting to? What was I trying to protect?"

2. Talk to your partner—if they're open. You might share what you've learned about your own patterns. Not "Here's what YOU do wrong," but "Here's what I'm noticing about myself."

3. Consider whether professional support would help. Relational Life Therapy and similar approaches can provide structure and guidance for this work. Look for therapists who focus on patterns, not just communication skills.

4. Remember: This is about your growth first. Even if your partner isn't ready to do their work, you can do yours. And when one person changes their part of the dance, the entire system shifts.

5. Be patient with the process. Patterns built over decades don't change in weeks. This is deep work, and it takes time.

A Final Thought

Understanding these stages doesn't fix a relationship. But it can give you a map for where you are and where you might go.

• Maybe you're in Stage 1, just starting to see your patterns clearly. That's huge. Most people never get there.

• Maybe you're in Stage 2, doing the hard work of learning to regulate yourself instead of reacting. That's exhausting and brave.

• Maybe you're in Stage 3 or beyond, building something new. That's beautiful.

Wherever you are, know this: Change is possible. Not easy. Not quick. Not without effort.

But possible.

Relationships don't have to stay stuck in the same painful patterns forever. Wounds can heal. People can grow. Couples can learn to dance differently.

It starts with seeing clearly. Then it moves to taking responsibility. Then to making different choices. Then to creating something bigger than both of you.

The path exists.

Whether you walk it or not is up to you.