Why We Can't Change Our Patterns...

Have you ever had that unsettling feeling of déjà vu in your own life? Perhaps you find yourself dating the same type of emotionally unavailable person, just with a different name. Maybe you keep having the same frustrating argument with your partner. Or perhaps you land in another job that feels exciting at first, only to become the same source of burnout and dissatisfaction six months later.

Sounds familiar? It's a deeply human experience to find ourselves caught in repetitive cycles. We often blame external factors, but these repeating scenarios are rarely a coincidence. They are patterns, and they are almost always pointing to something deeper within us: an unseen script we are living by, guided by our self-limiting beliefs. The good news is that you hold the power to rewrite that script. You can become the conscious author of your own story.

The Unseen Script: How Our Beliefs Create Our Reality

From a young age, we form core beliefs about ourselves and the world. These are often developed unconsciously, based on our early experiences with family, school, and society. Beliefs like:

• "I have to be of use (helpful, 'good', rescue the other) to be loved."

• "My needs are not as important as others'."

• "Conflict is dangerous and should be avoided at all costs."

• "I'm not capable enough to succeed on my own."

These beliefs act like invisible glasses, colouring how we perceive every situation. They run in the background of our minds, dictating our choices and driving our behaviours.

Let's take an example: Someone who holds the deep, unexamined belief that "I am fundamentally unlovable." This person might crave a deep connection, but their belief system will steer them. They might subconsciously choose partners who are critical or distant, which "proves" their belief correct. The pattern repeats, the belief is reinforced, and they're left wondering, "Why does this always happen to me?"

The Power of Awareness: Turning On the Lights

You cannot change a pattern you cannot see. This is why the first and most crucial step toward growth is awareness. Therapy acts as a safe, confidential laboratory where we can slow down and examine these patterns without judgment. It’s the process of turning on the lights in a room you’ve been navigating in the dark for years.

This is where different therapeutic approaches offer unique tools to illuminate our inner world:

Person-Centred Therapy: The Non-Judgmental Mirror

Developed by Carl Rogers, this approach is built on the foundation of unconditional positive regard. The therapist provides an environment of complete acceptance and empathy. In this safe space, you are free to explore your feelings and experiences without fear of being judged. By having your story reflected back to you with compassion, you begin to see it—and yourself—more clearly. You might say, "I always end up doing everything for everyone," and for the first time, hear it not as a complaint, but as a significant pattern rooted in a belief that your worth comes from your usefulness to others.

Internal Family Systems (IFS): Getting to Know Your Inner Team

IFS proposes that our minds are made up of different "parts," each with its own role and intention. Your recurring patterns are often driven by well-meaning "protector" parts. For instance, a "Perfectionist" part might drive you to overwork to protect a younger, "Exile" part that holds the pain of feeling "not good enough" as a child.

In therapy, we don't try to get rid of the Perfectionist. Instead, we get curious. We ask, "What is this part afraid would happen if it didn't make you work so hard?" By understanding its protective role, we can address the underlying fear directly. This awareness allows your wise, compassionate adult Self to lead, making conscious choices rather than being driven by the automatic, fear-based reactions of your parts.

Existential Psychotherapy: Embracing Freedom and Responsibility

This approach confronts us with the fundamental "givens" of life: we are free, and with that freedom comes immense responsibility for our choices. A recurring pattern—like staying in an unfulfilling job—is often a way to avoid the anxiety of true freedom. The job may be draining, but it's predictable. Leaving would mean facing the uncertainty of the unknown.

An existential therapist might help you explore the question: "By choosing to stay in this familiar pattern, what are you choosing not to do or be?" This powerful reframe shifts you from a passive victim of circumstance to an active agent in your life. You realise that even not choosing is a choice. This awareness can be daunting, but it is also profoundly liberating. It is the doorway to creating a life aligned with your own values and meaning.

The New Chapter: Where Awareness Meets Choice

Once you see the belief and the pattern it creates, you reclaim your power. You are no longer on autopilot. You now have a moment of choice between a trigger and your old reaction.

• The person who believes they are unlovable can, with awareness, recognise when they are about to push away a caring partner. In that moment, they can make a different choice: to be vulnerable, to communicate their fear, to stay instead of run.

• The people-pleaser can notice the automatic "yes" rising in their throat and choose to pause, honour their own needs, and say, "Let me get back to you," or even a gentle "no."

This is the heart of personal growth. It isn't a one-time fix, but a continuous practice of awareness and conscious choice. It's about moving from reacting to life based on an old script to responding to it from your authentic, present-day self. It is the hard, beautiful work of becoming who you truly are.