Raising Boys Who Can Feel

Let me tell you something that breaks my heart and makes me furious:

Teenage boys are drowning, and we're telling them to swim harder.

They're struggling with depression, anxiety, loneliness, and suicidal thoughts at rates we've never seen before, and we’re not showing up for them. 

We tend to experience them as ‘difficult’—they lock themselves up in their room (or behind computer screens), don’t help out in the house and at best ‘grunt’ when asked a question—and we become tired and desperate and strict and overly critical. 

However, we're handing them an impossible blueprint for manhood and then wonder why they're falling apart.

The Statistics That Should Terrify Us

• In Australia, men represent 75.3% of all suicide deaths.

• Suicide is the leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 years of age.

• For teenagers (14-17 year old) approximately 17% (that’s more than 1 in 6) has thought about taking their own life, 14% planned a suicide, and around 10% actually made a suicide attempt (1 in 10 indeed!).

Boys learn early in their life that their feelings are burdens, that vulnerability is weakness, that asking for help is failure.

This isn't "boys being boys." Research shows that boys aged three to five actually have more feelings than girls at that age. They're MORE emotionally sensitive. More expressive. More in touch with their inner world.

And then we crush it out of them.

By the time they can read, they've already internalised the so called "stoic code of masculinity." They've learned that showing emotion makes them less than. Weak. Girly. Unworthy.

So they shut down. They disconnect. They bottle everything up until it comes out as rage, addiction, isolation, violence, or self-destruction during adolescence (or sometimes later in life).

What We're Actually Doing to Boys

Think about what we're asking of teenage boys:

• We tell them to be strong—but only in ways that look like dominance, never in ways that look like vulnerability.

• We tell them to be successful—but measure that success only by money, status, and power, never by the quality of their relationships or their emotional wellbeing.

• We tell them to be confident—but then don't show up when they express uncertainty or ask for help.

• We tell them emotions are weakness—and then wonder why they can't communicate in relationships, why they're isolated, why they're struggling.

We're essentially saying: "Cut yourself in half. Deny half of your humanity." And then we're surprised when they feel incomplete, angry, and lost.

The Emotional Vocabulary Crisis

Here's something that might surprise you: On average, boys can only identify three emotions as they're actually feeling them—happy, sad, and angry (yes, go ahead and try it out on your teenager!).

Imagine trying to navigate the complexity of teenage life with only three emotional words. It's like trying to paint a masterpiece with three colors. Or write a symphony with three notes.

When your son is feeling disappointed, anxious, overwhelmed, insecure, frustrated, or heartbroken—but can only identify it as "angry"—what do you think happens? He acts angry. He lashes out. He slams doors. He withdraws. He gets labeled as "aggressive" or "difficult" or "troubled." But underneath? He's just a kid who doesn't have the language to say "I'm scared" or "I feel left out" or "I don't know how to handle this."

The "Man Box" Prison

Society has created what we call the "Man Box"—a rigid set of rules about acceptable masculinity. Inside are the "acceptable" ways to be male—be tough, win, be logical, think about yourself first, don't rely on others, don't show emotions except anger.

Outside the box? Everything else that makes us human—expressing the full range of emotions, asking for help, showing vulnerability, being creative, pursuing interests regardless of gender stereotypes.

Here's the twist: most boys don't actually want to live in that box. But they think other boys and society expect them to, so they perform masculinity rather than living authentically. It's exhausting, isolating, and ultimately unsustainable.

What Happens When Boys Can't Live Authentically

When we force boys to deny half their humanity, we don't just hurt them—we hurt everyone around them.

• Boys who can't express vulnerability struggle to form intimate relationships.

• Boys who can't ask for help suffer in silence until crisis hits.

• Boys who can only access anger as an emotion become men who frighten their families.

• Boys who've learned that dominance equals worth become men who perpetuate systems of oppression.

• Boys who disconnect from their feelings become men who struggle with depression, addiction, and sometimes violence.

And most heartbreakingly: Boys who learn that their worth depends on never showing weakness become men who would rather die than admit they're struggling. That's not hyperbole. That's literally what the suicide statistics tell us.

The Path Forward: Integration, Not Amputation

Here's what needs to happen—and it starts with every single parent, teacher, coach, and adult in a boy's life:

Stop telling boys to cut themselves in half.

For this we need to help boys develop what I call their "inner round table"—and what Carl Jung describes as the four essential aspects of complete masculinity:

• The King: Wisdom, responsibility, values-based leadership

• The Warrior: Courage, boundaries, perseverance (not aggression)

• The Shaman: Intuition, reflection, emotional intelligence

• The Lover: Vulnerability, connection, joy, compassion

When boys develop ALL four, they become whole. They become anti-fragile. They become men who can lead with wisdom, fight for what matters, feel deeply, and connect authentically.

What This Means for Parents

As parents, we have an opportunity—and perhaps a responsibility—to help our sons navigate a world that's asking them to be emotionally intelligent while still sending contradictory messages about masculinity. This doesn't mean abandoning traditional masculine strengths like courage, discipline, and leadership. It means expanding the definition to include emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and authentic connection.

In this, the teenage years are particularly crucial. This is when boys are forming their identity, testing boundaries, and deciding what kind of men they want to become. They're getting bombarded with messages from peers, social media, and popular culture about what it means to be male, without any real guidance on how to actually become a 'balanced man'.

Moving Forward

Having resources that help them think critically about who they want to become—can literally be life-changing. And it's is not just good for them. It's good for everyone they'll encounter throughout their lives—their future partners, their children, their colleagues, and their communities.

If you're interested in exploring these concepts more deeply, or perhaps give your son something to help him make sense of this, you can order my book with more guidance HERE or get the PDF HERE. The conversation about healthy masculinity doesn't have to be awkward or preachy—it can be practical, engaging, and genuinely helpful.